All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
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Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list