i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice