you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
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