I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
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