i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
