I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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