Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
