also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
