Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
