I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
