i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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