Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
That accounts for only three of the penises
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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