we're chasing vodka with high fives
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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