thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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