my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
