I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
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