apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
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