you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
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