I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Randomize
