The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
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