And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
