Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
