i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
