does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
