I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
