So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Someone came in the potted fern
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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