Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
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