Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
