my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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