i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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