He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
