Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Randomize