we have officially lost it.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Randomize
