I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
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We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
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Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
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