It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
