Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
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