ya dads aren't the best wingmen
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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