I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
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