Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
