I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
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I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why are your pants in the freezer?
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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