found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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