i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
