my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
