I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
