that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
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