apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Randomize
