i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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