I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
In America we eat man semen.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
His hands were made for my vagina.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Randomize
