I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
