Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I love you. Go after that dick
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
