i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
