Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
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