Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
porn star boner night. come get it.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I can't turn off my feet"
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
