the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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