I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
