woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
