If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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